it feels surreal.

hands up if you know someone your age who’s had at least one achievement in life that you envy.

here’s to wishing we were just a little more like them *toasts.

but i guess achievement is really a subjective matter. like, someone else might think i’ve achieved something in life. and someone else who’s more successful than me may be in the same rut i’m in now, wondering why he/she hasn’t achieved anything in life.

maybe when i graduate. maybe next semester. maybe i can travel the world. i hear all these stories about backpackers. i’d wanna do that too. but then again i probably can’t, because i’m just not the type. i hardly tolerate dirty toilets and i hate camping. and i’d really like to shower as and when i please. but i guess that’s just personal preference. i know a lot of people who don’t mind giving up certain basic necessities just to backpack for less. just to travel and see the world. just to experience what it’s like in another country. i’d want that too. but. just in a different way. but then again i, too, want to experience the backpacking life. and i’m just at the right age to do it. i don’t want to turn 30 and realize i have achieved nothing in life but a 9-5 job and a trapped lifestyle i despise. but backpacking’s just a..rather concrete example. there’re other things. like what entrepreneurs do. and those who made a difference. and those who did it differently.

will i ever be one of them?

sigh.

i guess the only thing i’m proud of right now is as the title goes. it’s something i enjoy. yeah, it’s not much, and they probably don’t know what i’m doing. but i try :/ the only thing that keeps me going is really them going “HAI TEACHER!” when they see me in church. and the little sincere waves. and hugs.

sigh.

are you meant to achieve something in life? is the sole reason you’re here on earth to make a difference in someone else’s life? whaii?

I’M DEPRESSED. i’m stuck with 4 assignments, 2 psych and 2 stats. i thought stats would be over and done pretty quick. but omg they look kinda foreign to me. i’m so scared outta my pants. and i’m feeling so demotivated. it doesn’t help that the weather is so so so so omg crazy hot. so hot. so imma do psych first. but omg psych assignments are just as demotivating. HELP ME PLEASE. i don’t like being in 3rd year. i don’t. i’m scared :’(

it doesn’t help that i feel like i don’t have time. like, see, i try to dedicate some time at least every other day to jogging and the works i.e. having to wake up early, taking extra long showers, etc. and because i feel so, well, lost? lonely? without the sister, i’ve been putting a moderate amount of effort to get out of the house whenever i can, to hang/chill with friends. because i’m so used to sharing my parents with someone. don’t get this the wrong way, folks, i love my parents right to the molecules in their cells, but psychologically it feels weird not having someone to share them with. yes, i really AM that close to my sister, that we share almost everything. well, except that i share more secrets with her than she does with me, and she shares more stuff with me than i do with her. well, nature’s in balance there anyway, so, who’s complaining, really?

oh, back to the time factor. minus time for exercise (God forgive me, i just ate like 5 or 6 pieces of chocolate), minus time i need to chill with friends to keep me sane. let’s not forget chores though. my family’s pretty used to not having a maid or a helper, well, just because there’s two full-grown daughters in the house. i won’t deny the fact that we have a helper who comes in almost every week for the general housecleaning, plus ironing (God bless her soul!), but that’s not saying it’s every week! she charges 50 ringgit each time, so, as the chinese saying goes, we save when/where we can. so whenever we’re not free to accommodate her four-hour task, we just..don’t. and end up cleaning ourselves. so, i have those chores too. and no i don’t do everything alone, pops and mumseh do chores aplenty too. but then there’s laundry too……

where else does my time go? well, lately i’ve been into making rosaries, i really wanna sell them, but i really don’t know who’d buy rosaries online. nor if anyone’d even wanna buy them from me. they’re very relaxing yet motivating to make, ’cause you know they’d make someone happy, and you really just wanna finish them fast and see how they look like in the end. and i’m not tooting my own horn, but i think my workmanship has improved, also because i’m pretty fussy about the details. i’m looking at buying them parts online, just because the only other shops i can buy them are in PJ – a neighbouring town, and KL city. so farrrrrrr and i’m not a fabulous driver outside of Subang. some lady has approached me, telling me to consider selling them in BECs i.e. the local Catholic communities. but i don’t even have the time to go out and buy more pretty materials. i don’t know. i’m depressed. sue me. talking about church i spent the whole of monday preparing songs to play for praise and worship at night. not complaining, really, i enjoyed it. it’s a blessing to be able to do this, kan? it’s time well spent, but still time. but it’s something i wouldn’t give up. it keeps me sane too.

——–

i forgot the point of this post. was msn-ing + webcamming with the sister and ogre and his sister. she’s so adorable omg.

——–

i think my point was that i’m feeling a little bit funky lately. a lot of things have changed in my life. i just need to learn to deal with them. one at a time. one mindset, one attitude, one habit, one emotion at a time.

but i could also use a pretty trip somewhere far, far away. something beyond the norms and lifestyle i’m used to. something dreamy, somewhere lovely.

g’day!