today in the life of me.

{ January 11, 2010 @ 01:37 } · { daily walks., meaningful thoughts. }
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some time around may or june last year, while i was still in the land down under, my home church’s nun sorta proposed that there be some sort of happy-action-songs session for preschoolers, standard 1s and 2s during their sunday school period. and i don’t know how it happened, but she totally forced asked our little children’s band (meaning we play for little kids, folks) to do it. so naturally, i guess the sister, mellie, and perhaps cedric/ryan/joshie obliged.

ladidadada fast forward to the present time, i totally did it for the first time today! well, since a guitar would suffice, i didn’t have to play the piano/keyboard, so i could shout at sing with the kids this time (don’t think i’ve ever sung at any band session except that one time we did that whole recording thingy), and omg it was awesome. the kids had so much energy and joy omg and their smiles are, put simply, priceless. so innocent, so radiant, so sincere, so sweeeeeet <3

last friday we had a band practice, it felt real good. no denying that it did feel different with so many different people, but the jamming feeling’s awesome all the same.

and oh, i really wanna pick up the guitar. again. i keep picking it up and losing it after a bit. mumseh had an old kapuk, and it’s somewhere in some guitarist’s house, i’m sure. i reckon that if i had a shiny new one, i’d learn with more heart. and i could totally play some.. well, not much, but some. my left fingertips hurt like damned bitches after every long try, but i think i managed to harden them a long time ago, when i was so keen. it got easier with every regular practice. but then they softened once i stopped, i swear. i wanna try again. i’ll youtube strumming lessons or sth. pops, could you buy me a cheap but decent guitar?

what else is new? oh, pops brought mumseh and i to like, a gazillion furniture shops today, and we spent a good gazillion hours at the last one, where he actually bought stuff. A LOT of stuff. altogether, i think he got himself a pretty decent deal. but oh well, i’m sure the three of us are tired to the core. the sister’s sound asleep now. and both parents are at a wake.

death, that’s something most are afraid of. mostly just because no one really knows for sure what lies beyond. some rely on faith, others, superstition. sometimes they doubt. sometimes all they want is an eyewitness.

there’s been a fair amount of deaths lately, surrounding me. distant relatives, distant friends. it could happen to anyone. death can be so sudden, so surreal. till it hits you, and forces you to accept the fact that your loved one can no longer physically be with you like he/she used to be. ever.

folks, it’s about time you learn to let go, and live in the moment. don’t have awfully extravagant plans for the future at the expense of the present, because the future may not come. don’t prioritize materialistic possessions, because you can’t bring them to your grave. don’t keep negative emotions, because you’d miss out on how beautiful life could be. don’t hold back your dreams, because you may never live to realize them.

i know, it’s easier said than done, but we can do it, a little at a time. i’m learning to laugh more these days. no matter how i feel inside. and when i do that around friends, i know that they’re laughing mostly at me rather than with me. it’s alright. i still feel loved that way. my life’s beauty. what’s yours?

yer why all my posts these days so emo one omg i better sleep edy nite folks <3

an idle mind is the devil’s playground.

{ January 6, 2010 @ 04:15 } · { emo-ness., let's talk about random., meaningful thoughts. }
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so many things i wanna say, so many thoughts running through my mind. yet every single time i click on “new post” to type, everything slips away.

life can really force you to grow up sometimes, fast.

sometimes, folks, you’ve just gotta really know what you want in your life, and have that much faith to stick to it. and oh, how easy it is to lose faith in what you believe in! today i learned what people like michael jackson, bon jovi, miley cyrus and the likes really meant when they said/sang “keep the faith”. michael jackson’s rendition’s really good though.

played some pool today, it was great.

have you ever wondered, what it would’ve been like if you had been born into another family, another country, another continent? another race, another culture, another religion? well, judging from the saying that there’s always gonna be someone worse off than you, and there’s always gonna be someone better than you, let’s look at it both ways. you’d feel absolutely blessed to be where you are right now as opposed to those living in poverty, with no food to eat, and even those discriminated against because of their race/religion, besides those who are horribly trapped in a society which strips them of their dignity and treats them unfairly. on the other hand, compared to those in a better state than you are or will ever be, how would you feel? unloved? unlucky? unblessed? unwanted?

who is it that determines what constitutes a good life and what doesn’t? who has the right to say what’s good for you?

in the end, i guess it’s what you really want. in life, in relationships, in work. but how would you know that what you really want is what you REALLY want/need for the rest of your life?

and why is it that people can drop dead or take their last breath at any point in time? like, i could start suffocating in a minute or two, or my heart could stop beating, or i could choke on something. and die. would i regret today? would i regret spending the last few minutes of my life typing this?

..

i’m scaring myself, at 2am in the morning, sigh.

but who is it that tells you what’s most desirable in your life? and how much can you trust that voice?

sometimes when i look back at some conversations/actions in life, i realize how stupid they make me sound/look. very. bimbo-like. cannot. stand. myself. but who gives you brilliance anyway?

and who teaches you what’s good influence and what’s not? i’ll say, i have been under bad influences, fully aware of the fact that i didn’t know whether it was wise to follow those influences. but i did. mistakes made, damages done. but what more can i do now, than to live with them?

where do you go to find answers when you’re lost like this? when you’re feeling insecure? where does security come from? money? relationships?

sigh. okay la stop la. i’ve signed myself up to play the piano/keyboard in church again. with randoms. praying i can learn something new again. i need that.

lots of love, folks, from the comfort of my bedroom <3

a mission in life, i hope.

{ January 5, 2010 @ 00:01 } · { daily walks., meaningful thoughts. }
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today, a pretty normal monday, pretty insignificant, pretty boring. the first monday of the year, the first working/schooling day of the year.

yesterday night my dad started talking about our future, about what he could do for our remaining academic years, about what the worst scenario would be. which got me thinking. hard. and got me worrying. fearfully.

so i started researching. started looking. i mean, i’ve always had a plan B, but it really seems unfair to not propose a plan A, not necessarily to someone deserving, really, but to myself. to have a sense of direction. an identity, as organizational psychologists would call it.

in about an hour or perhaps slightly less, i made a rough decision today arvo. music therapy. sound odd? new? weird? unlike me?

i guess i’ve always been led to this direction, one way or another. somehow, i dunoe, all signs seem to point here. firstly, being forced to study psychology, but only as a major, not as a full degree in whole. since i obviously wouldn’t be able to stand studying pure psychology, with only a small element/component involving numbers, among the gazillion theories and essays. and hey, i don’t need thatttt much of psychology to do this. the highest requirement was 6 psychology units, and baby, i’ve got 10. secondly, being forced to play the piano spontaneously, to accompany singing at first, then moving along the lines of therapeutic, melancholic sounds. this started when i was 15. thirdly, doing an assignment/research last year which forced me to recommend potential jobs for myself, in an unbiased manner, and i ended up with music therapist as one of these jobs.

been reading more and more about it, about potential careers in this line, about its prospects, about what i’d have to do to get there. so if i really want to work towards this path, folks, we’re looking at completing and passing my grade 8 solo piano, preferably picking up another portable instrument (i’m thinking guitar/ukulele/harmonica), and possibly volunteering in an environment with children/adults/senior citizens affected by disease, disability or trauma.

okay getting lazy to continue. the sister said she’s really proud that i’ve made a decision. apparently her clinical neuropsychology ambition also came to her all of a sudden, one day, and she’s been working towards it ever since. no looking back or at other options.  just keep moving forward. and apparently the ogre decided in about half an hour too. his aim in life. so it is possible. it isn’t just a rash or rushed decision.

on an unrelated note, i’ve always admired this dude from church, who can play the piano really really really well. spontaneously. i’ve always wanted to just sit beside him, watch the piano as he plays, just so i could pick up a few points. but the thing about playing the piano this way, i’ve always thought that each person has a different style. my problem is i don’t wanna stick with this style i have forever. and i think this dude is really good.

promise i won’t copy you, i’m just gonna observe some theories you apply and apply it my own way, my own style. i listen to you as you play sometimes, but i don’t see you play much, and drums and guitars drown you sometimes. and so, today i found this other dude on youtube, who plays, not exactly like you, but you guys are pretty much at the same level.

and the best/worst part is! i can hit repeat with this dude on youtube, and i really hope i can pick up some stuff from there. okay that’s the best bit. now for the worst, IT’S SO HARD TO PICK THEM UP! sigh. but i know i can. and i will. i may not reach that level, but i can die trying. okay not literally, but i’ll try. hard.

and so, i guess, everything put together, it may form a finished puzzle, slightly vague nevertheless, of my future.

okay i have no point. this may just be my longest writing ever here. if you lost me halfway, don’t bother looking.

for a more realistic update, i’m now at starbucks ss15 with the sister, she’s going on with her thesis research thingy while chatting to some girlies and laughing to herself occasionally. me, being the thoughtful sister, i’m accompanying her here, sharing a small caramel latte. cheapskate bitches, i can almost hear the malay baristas muttering.

and so we were talking about how she could clinically diagnose her patients and then send them to me for some music therapy…..

and how i could study in queensland and fly over to victoria/NSW for easter and new year’s, and she’d come over for christmas…..

what a life that’d be. i’m praying, folks. i’ll leave you with a nice picture of a music therapist in action.

again, again.

{ December 21, 2009 @ 21:16 } · { meaningful thoughts. }
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when you’re ’round / i lose myself / inside your mouth / you’ve got brown eyes / like no one else / baby, make it to me / again, and again, again, again, again, again /

nyeh heh heh, sorry folks. i typed the title phrase, meaning to write about something else, but then the song came into my head, and i really do like this song :)

but, this ain’t gonna be about me. it’s about him leaving again. and by him, i mean the ogre. it’s about someone leaving again, in a long-distance relationship. not mine, but my sister’s, and i’m looking at it from an outsider’s point of view. i used to be able to understand that feeling, those tears, the hole in the heart, the pain, the ache. but it’s funny that once i’m not in the picture, i don’t get it anymore. you’d think the knowledge stays with you forever and you’d be able to empathize, but nope. i just don’t get it anymore. it’s either that i’m awfully weird, or that the meaning of relationships/love in general is now beyond me, sigh.

but then, i guess, we know there’s blame to share.

{ December 15, 2009 @ 20:22 } · { let's talk about random., meaningful thoughts. }
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on what has made us what we are today, compared to what we were before. before everything came tumbling down.

it’s like there’s been an evil, vicious chain reaction. has it ended, though? i don’t know. but on my side, it’s pretty much at a plateau right now, this chain. that don’t mean it’s a good thing, it just means it won’t get any worse than this. well, it could also mean that i’m already at the worst possible stage. that’s scary to hear, ain’t it? sigh. is this stage awesome? it has its pros and cons, i’d say. but i’ll grow out of it soon. i’m probably already on my way, baby.

on your side? beats me, really. perhaps better, perhaps worse.

i’m not sure i want to know.

i’m on patron tequila.

{ December 14, 2009 @ 19:25 } · { daily walks., let's talk about random. }
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ahh, missing nights out in melb. but nights out here with my BFFs ain’t too bad either, in fact, not bad at all, in fact, awesome. i’m all up for doing it all over again. with less drinking for us two, but more for the other two :) :) i vaguely remember one of the latter pouring her drink into my freshly-skulled glass, prolly thinking i didn’t realize. and no more cheap vodka, it makes my head spin.

i’m missing my bundaberg :(

just came home from the uncivilized land of dust and mosquitoes, with the ogre, the sister and the parents. and it got me thinking about that one night when i first met the ogre, back in february, when we (pei aka the dude and i) were squirting water at him with a water gun, probably also tickling him with a huge palm leaf or something large and green of that sort. and when we slept under the stars on a bed linen (his, of course, why would i make mine dirty, right?), covered by another linen (his again, of course), in the courtyard, till someone told us security might chase us out.

the dude and i.

never in a gazillion trillion years would i even dream that he’d be lying on his side, holding a deck of cards, trying to outdo my sister and i at an awesome game of monopoly, ON MY PARENTS’ BED IN THE GUEST ROOM OF MY GRANDMOTHER’S HOUSE IN MY MUM’S HOMETOWN. odd how life works out, hey? and that i’d be constantly whining “mush fest much?” at him and my sister continuously for a few weeks at a go. sigh, totally smiling right now at how life can turn out sometimes. how different things can be from what we think/assume/predict/promise they’d turn out to be.

the ogre being ogrificly silly.

on a potentially related note, i don’t really know what’s going on in the world today. in that world, particularly. but it don’t look too bright. though i’m pretty sure it’s none of my business anymore, i’ll still pray for the best for you two.

on an unrelated note, happy birthday to my little crazy fai sampat abnormal six-inch friend. you really, really make me laugh, without fail, without realizing, all the time. and you know i love you :)

the fai, case in point. all she said was, hey clare, look at my snorkelling gear. and all i heard after that was my crazy laugh which deafened even my own ears.

his anthem.

{ December 9, 2009 @ 14:43 } · { let's talk about random. }
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it’s been a while, but i’ve never really remembered to post this up. scroll down to Adam’s Anthem.

how do i feel about this piece?

i find it really really absolutely sweet. loving the tune, the lyrics, the harmony. i’m a genuine fan. and it’s pretty romantic too.

but as for anyone really truly worthy of this song, i’m skeptical, i’m doubtful.

g’day, folks!

the window to your soul.

{ December 7, 2009 @ 02:16 } · { emo-ness. }
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it ain’t very wide open.

life’s being a bitch right now. i hate it when i start to fail the moment i taste success in something.

damnit damnit damnit.

my outlet.

{ December 1, 2009 @ 19:03 } · { let's talk about random. }
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maybe this could be productive, maybe this could work. slightly, at least.

then we could fly / fly away from here / if we had the chance / if we made it last / but chances fade / fantasies betray / so all that was / between you and me / i’ll just reminisce /

life, oh life. why art thou tough?

family matters.

{ November 30, 2009 @ 02:28 } · { emo-ness., experiences in life., meaningful thoughts. }
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singing in (not quite) harmony and playing the piano with the sister, learning new hokkien words and laughing with dad, and heart-to-hearting with mum. guess this is what i came home for. <3

and oh, i’m still wondering what you two are wondering about what i’m wondering.

okay, that didn’t make sense at all.

but seriously, i am. tell me what you’re thinking. tell me what you want.

and is it just me, or do people generally have prioritizing problems? cuz i sure do. in some aspects, i really can do it, but in others, i f*ing suck. like, even if i were to know what’s supposed to come first before others, i’d still not put it first. not on purpose, i’d like to think. but. deep down, i probably know it is on purpose. but it’s difficult to go against. it’s like wanting something of a moment, which will do you no good (not necessarily bad) in the long run, at the expense of something else which is probably not as fun as the former, but will reap benefits in the long run. is it just me, am i the only failure in life here? or do you folks have it that bad too?

God, forgive me.

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